Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON--Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don't even exist, that is, 'intent to manufacture marijuana.' Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, "They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal." He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.

Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy's. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said "Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, 'they're just androids,' but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own." Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.

UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney's office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.

Chapter 1: The Mission

   On 12 April, 2025, The former North Atlantic Treaty Organization officialy repurposed their intials to become the current North Atlantic Tactical Organization. This made the organization an independent entity, controlling the entire Western hemisphere's armed forces. NATO operated under UN order only. Once an attempt at a moderating peace assembly, The UN became more of a meeting grounds for grievances with MexiCanAmerica, at best. MexiCanAmerica's representation at the UN permits them overwhelming voting and vetoing powers, and most of their actions are forever held up simply because enough western countries always vote with MexiCanAmerica.
   Former American, MexiCanAmerican, and now NATO special forces officer Liutenant Hugh Lombart thought he had seen it all. He was in an invisible unnamed military force of just more than a thousand. The force was comprised of many nationalities from all parts of the western world. Each soldier had received 'offers' to join in the mail, and ordered to assemble on Tangier Island in the Chesapeake bay, on the very day NATO changed its name. This was their first assembly.
   Hugh was middle-aged and had indeed seen more than his fair share of the worst scenes the world had to offer, during his long military career. And he knew, more than anyone, that the more power his boss had, the worse his missions would be. But he was really interested if MexiCanAmerica really had become as powerful as he thought.
   Hugh shuffled through the crowd of commandoes to the point where they were each to individually receive instructions, one by one, and through a computer prompt. The order had specified a house on the southernmost peninsula. A narrow strip of sand, only wide enough for 2 men to pass, battered on both sides for 100 yards stood between Hugh and the only computer terminal on Tangier Island. Yet it was full of commandos, fully geared and often just walking to their knees in water to get by. What a ridiculous fucking scene, Hugh thought as he swam his way around it with ease. He stepped on shore expertly at the very front of the line.
   "Hey, mind if I go ahead? My wife is pregnant, I want to go call her," Hugh said completely unconvincingly.
   "Well, you did just totally submerge yourself in water right before a mission, so I believe you. Go ahead," the stranger said. "I'm in no hurry."
  The old Jedi mind trick. As the soldier before him left the small brick, windowless building, Hugh entered with a little more precaution than he usually would have in such a situation. There was one glaring white LED light bulb at the center of the fragile looking roof. On the opposite wall, Hugh saw a bundle of wires coming out of a hole that was maybe too large, and leading up to a flat screen in front of him. He closed the door behind him, per orders. Large letters printed "NATO" clearly and boldly. The Cray company had exploded in the past decade due to the massive restructuring of the Internet. Supercomputers were in huge demand, and Cray was happy to grow. Hugh touched the screen and a prompt told him to insert his International ID Card and provided an arrow pointing to the card slot. He inserted his ID card, and instantly an obviously pleased face appeared.
 "Hello Hugh, you can call me Nate. You will be going on a mission different from all my other soldiers, as I have selected you as the best. It's the most important one of all, but I am sure if anyone can do it, you can." the strange wheeling voice said. It wasn't a totally unidentifiable strain of English Hugh had never heard before.
 "What do you mean if it can be done?" Hugh proposed.
 "Oh it will be done, whether you do it or not, but I know you will follow your orders regardless. You are to go to Washington D.C. and get further orders from the most powerful entity in the world." Nate replied.
 "Who is that, the president?" exclaimed Hugh, following with a burst of laughter. The face paused for a second.
 "You will find out otherwise. You will be the first to, actually. I placed the address of your destination in the memory on your ID card. You must arrive there sometime within the next week. I have taken all precautions to keep the identities of the members of my service incognito, but I cannot foresee everything." Indeed he had done well, a nuclear weapon could have gone off on Tangier Island that day, and no one would have ever noticed saved the crowd of soldiers and perhaps the face on the screen. With that, the NATO logo returned, and Hugh left the hut, and Tangier Island. He rather enjoyed walking through the ghost town that was Tangier that night, content to stay on that island and wonder about the strange mystery.
"Am I really the best soldier? What are they going to do with me?" and a fear came over him, for this was likely, from the start, to be the worst mission he'd ever been on.

Experts Agree: Lakeland Girl Owned

Lakeland, Florida—Six malcontent teenage girls became popular yesterday - as per their goal, when they were filmed beating up best friend Victoria Lindsay and the video was subsequently uploaded to YouTube, a popular video sharing website on the Internet, a series of tubes used to connect telecom customers to a World Wide Web of pornography and jailbait videos such as this one.

In the video they can be seen increasing in popularity because you’re watching it. The victim is seen being beaten, punched in the face and having her head slammed heavily into a wall, all the while whining, screaming and complaining in astonishment that people would rise to a challenge.

Since filming the video, the popularity of the high school girl who slammed the victim’s head into the wall has soared tremendously, and even though the girls responsible for face detail could not clearly be seen throughout the entirety of the production, three of them are alleged to have “made some more friends,” whereas the female holding the camera has since received little public recognition for the reason that her face is visible only to the imagination. Throughout the journalism community, she is hailed for her courage in the line of duty and some photojournalists are citing this camerawoman’s badge of honor in place of any superficial fame; however, she has already expressed that the sacrifice of her own popularity is “worth it” in light of the purportedly higher popularity ratio of her friends, and the nationwide attention her video has received.

“I consider it a sacrifice to a good cause,” the teenager, who can not be named for legal reasons (but will be anyway) shared in an Elf Waxclusive Interview. “A lot of people take film seriously,” April Cooper explains, “but I just like filmin’ people gettin’ beat up on.” The mother of 14-year-old April “Fool’s” Cooper (as she’s now known in juvenile hall) feels differently. Mrs. Cooper expressed deep regret for her daughter’s actions when she heard she was to be tried as an adult, yet would gain little to almost no popularity at school. “It’s a God [dam] disgrace to social injustice in America,” the woman exclaimed from within the bowels of her inaccessible trailer. “My daughter’s the reason that little strumpet’s famous, why ain’t we gettin’ no [royalties]?”

Expert anal lists have pieced together this composite sketch of what the heroic April “Fool’s” Cooper is thought to look like:

Forensic scientists say the steady gaze of a seasoned eye accounts for April’s natural ability to videotape violence.

The six females had two potent young men standing look-out in the front yard, “in case any do-gooders showed up,” says Mercades Nichols, one of the popular girls who beat up Victoria. Some thoughtful sympathizers have been leaving funny messages on Ms. Nichols’ phone which then got into the hands of Greta Van Sustren, a common whore who out of pity was given a primetime TV show on FOX News. Also, plans could be heard through two separate voicemails, in which each male could be heard offering his services as a front-door bouncer, as long as Mercades “put out” (at which point each man promised courteously to “pull out”) – oddly enough, the same favor was requested by both men, indicating a premeditated scheme of cocktease and manipulation leading up to their shared duty as bouncers at the front door of a house where a 16-year-old girl was getting her ass kicked.

“When I showed up at the house, and I saw Zach [Ashley] there, I flipped,” says one of the unidentified boys. His name could not be obtained because he was “about to have a conniption.”

Elf Wax Update: the boy's name has been confirmed as Stephen Schumaker.

It is believed that the beatdown issued to Ms. Lindsay was not unprovoked, however. Now surfacing are claims of alleged “MySpace drama”, involving name-calling and accusations that the assailants are “bustas” – a word indicating they would not fight Lindsay because “they are too scared.” One of the bulletins read as follows: “NUH UH THEM BITCHES AINT NO WHAT IM ABOUT WHAT THEY GON DO?WHAT THEM BUSTAS GON DO CUZ THEM BITCHES AINT SHIT [but] MOTHAFUCKIN NIGGA-ASS HOS!” In the hospital, Victoria withdrew her remarks, citing a concussion and disabled vision as reasons for her spineless backpeddling. It is categorically assumed then, that it was not such a wise idea to publicly call out some trashy white girls with something to prove, because according to FOX News, “their skin might be white, but their soul is blacker than night.”

Elf Wax Update [Editor's Edition]: Truth-Time, Dear Readers, I fabricated the ALL CAPS LOCK quote used in the previous paragraph because I did not think I would have access to a real quote like it. Note: I completely made it up.

Here is the actual quote, taken straight from Mercades' myspace bulletin: "TO ALL OF YOU HATIN BITCH ASS NIGGAS SENDING ME BULLSHIT HATE MAIL…FUUUCK YOU. ILL BEAT YO ASS TO! BRING IT BITCHES DONT BE JUST SAYIN IT! AND IF YOU GOT SHIT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER THEN FUCKIN SAY IT TO HER. SHELL KICK YOUR ASS TO!" My sincerest apologies; I was so far off the mark on this one.

All eight adults involved are being charged with assault, false imprisonment, or both while the minors await juvenile sentencing. Top lawmakers are now calling for the establishment of an anti-MySpace-whoring motion in connection to an eHarassment and eBullying bill already passing through Congress. The victim is reportedly being harassed via telephone, MySpace, and emails; however, her father welcomes the attacks because he lives vicariously through his ‘ghettofied’ (street slang for darkening) daughter in the perverted, piss-soaked panty-sniffing nightmare that his life has become.

Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA--Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games' 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated "It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country's problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What's next, standing in front of army tanks? " Zillwiger was also heard muttering, "If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold."

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, "Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it's like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot." McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, "It's actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention."

UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally "shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners." Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

You heard it here first!

Canine Study Links Marijuana, Cognitive Ability

The newest findings in Cannabis research have yielded surprising, counter-intuitive results. Scientists have recently found the effect of Marijuana smoke on canine subjects leads to a startling rise in cognitive abilities. Some canines were even able to parse together Semi-English sentences, but rarely spoke of anything other than being "Rotally Razed." The major rise in cognitive ability was displayed by the canines' developed ability to solve simple mysteries, which did not occur in test subjects who were not dosed with Cannabis. The dogs proved especially good at solving what appear to be "paranormal" mysteries. The thoroughly-baked test subjects would meander around pointlessly as if unaware of the task at hand, only at the last minute to stumble across some catalyst that would unwind any mystery that still remained.
Scientific testing in this subject was spurned on by a recent incident that took place at O'Hare intergalactic airport. An over-zealous drug-sniffing dog, Scoobert "Scooby" Doo, devoured a traveler's marijuana supply, and then ran off wildly, in search of Scooby Snacks. Crashing headlong into a group of generic terrorists who had already passed through security screening, the dog revealed their evil plot and saved the day.

False Liberty Fries Know their Place

"False Liberty Fries know their place-gorging your fat face"

Pop these suckers in your oven while you think of doing the same to the French bastards who invented them. Eat them all in one sitting, it's a free country. Fry them in oil if you're a real American, and let them get done right so the fuckers really get drenched in that delicious trans-fatty digestion nightmare. Jesus may have died for your sins, but False Liberty Fries died for your stomach. Who the fuck cares about sins anyway, when you have False Liberty Fries.

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown, USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions. Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember. But how does one learn without asking questions? What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool. Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you. That should be proof enough for you, right? You read it in a history book, so you think you know without a doubt, without question, the way “shit went down” – that too is good enough for most free people, considering our history books are based on the collective journalistic consensus, kept fair and balanced by the embedded journalists of World Wars I & II, Viet Nam, Korea, but wait—what happened in Grenada? No, seriously…? The press were not allowed over there but isn’t that historical enough in itself? To anyone interested in freedom, it would seem like the massive cover-up of a ground invasion by U.S. forces is a very important thing to learn, perhaps even at a very early age, but you won’t find that little piece of information in any history book in America. “And we’ll never know why the government didn’t allow us to see what they did there, children, but hey—we weren’t supposed to know anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that…so…enjoy lunch and continue to limit yourselves by hanging around your waterhead friends and be sure to watch MTV when you get home. I just read on the internet that Justin Timberlake’s ‘new’ song is topping today’s requests on TRL.” The grim reality of Grenada looks like this: hundreds of boatloads of journalists, reporters, all variety of the press were turned away; those who refused to leave based on some poorly upheld ethical concept of “the public’s right to know” were arrested and detained, to later be sent back to the continental US after spending a couple of days in a Green Zone holding cell with complimentary slits in the chamber wall so the fine men and women of the New York Times and Washington Post could enjoy that fresh Grenada air.

No reporter actually made it to the island so we don’t know what happened there. Ronald Reagan’s official comments went something like, “We liberated a lot of people.” In fact, we can only assume that the government even calls what happened in Grenada a success because no one knows about it. In the end what we have is a really big win for not just Operation Urgent Fury (presumably) but for our intelligence offices which had not yet even begun to encounter the modern-day problems of large-scale faulty information. The times get simpler the farther back one looks and the real meaning of that lies in the perspective we have on our own government; if the history books are based primarily on the work of journalists, why did we only learn the good things our government did? Sure, they allowed an abomination or two to sprinkle in, but only to keep one superficial step away from the overbearing clampdown status of Communist China. Any alibi, for perverse reasons, is aided significantly by the defense, “We might be crooks, but we aren’t killers.” We’d never do anything to harm anybody. We just wanted their land/ power/ oil/ religion to die/ cooperation/ subservience. We spread democracy. The negative media attention around Lincoln had grown a dull roar during his critical moments in office, but that depends on what you were reading at the time. Was it a pamphleteer’s handout or an established newspaper, and what was the difference? The winners write history and up until recently, America has won, or at least purported to have won everything it’s ever had a hand in, despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary. Scratch that – America will win even when it loses.

So what does that mean for you, dear readers? It must be broken down by issues of class since the line that separates objective truth from subjective experience has now been aptly scorched. Memorize the data, and keep your little contrary mouths shut. It’s for the best. Admire us, and stay in your place. Let mediocrity and state servitude be your good example, because rebellion, sincerity, equality and intuition are no longer American values. That all belonged to the hippie-peace-free-love squalor we extinguished in the Sixties – a charade that did little more than justify the inaction of losers and junkies and embolden the State by instilling Fear into the hearts of the masses. But it felt so real didn’t it? How should we know? Were we there? That generation is dying, not entirely from old age (although that’s a factor too) but from a deficiency of some sort. What’s lacking today is fiber and gall, and purpose. But nevermind, it’s time to straighten up and fly right. You’re forced by an invisible hand now to teach what you’re taught and use your filtered knowledge of reality the way one might use a hammer without a handle. Just sort of take what you have and make the best of it, which is always going to be less than satisfactory and far less than what they’re willing to give you to boot, but you’ll be held responsible for bearing that burden yourself, or else turn your back on the system and wait to be eaten by the wolves. Hey, I know it sucks but what else can you do without detonating a small bomb? This is why the masses are satisfied watching “expert” analysis of the news rather than the ‘actual’ news. “Why, this is the news. What’s your fucking problem? It’s on at 11 o’clock, what else does your sniveling ass need in order to qualify it as the news?” What they mean to say is “Hey it’s not rocking the boat, and I’m comfortable with my role as a human resource and I really don’t want anything more than that and I especially don’t want someone telling me that’s a problem.” Okay, we’re smart people, on the average, or at least our readers are, so who are we to complain about a minor filter on the news? Just because some talking head puts a negative spin on a Republican pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Filipino boys doesn’t entail negligence of facts and that sure doesn’t make it wrong. We compare all stories to the Ultimate Truth. That is because this filtration which can be seen with our own eyes is apparently easy to work around and we’re comfortable doing that, and while the notion of having an opinion dictated for you in light of the facts is a kick in groin, it pales in comparison to what constitutes filtration at the source—and that’s where it starts to get fucked.

Many news agencies believe altering photographs and video to make it “appropriate” for audiences is an acceptable, ethical practice. Should we censor photographs in the newspapers? This is a question people are really asking. But what we should ask ourselves is, how is this even a question of ethics, or more importantly, why is this a question of ethics? “Because people don’t need to see graphic scenes of war, you hedonistic filth-monger, wanting to flood the media with scenes of flood victims and piles of bodies.” Perhaps it is deranged or somehow depraved to want people to see the real story with their own eyes without first witnessing the softening effects of Photoshop. Don’t hurt yourself on that photograph. It might be depraved to expect people to want to know the truth, or much worse—want to think for themselves. That might however be counterintuitive to the operation of a good clean country like George Bush wants. It would also fail to satisfy the transparent desires of either Democratic frontrunner in this façade of an election falling at the end of the sour year of 2008. One thing that’s certain, and we can all agree: this year has so far been better than 2007, perhaps even stocked with less per capita bullshit, but still – it’s difficult to ignore the sensation that we’ve missed something spectacular – like it happened right before our eyes and still somehow we missed it. That sensation is the by-product of an illusory trick played on us by the media giants who selected a candidate to win earlier this year.

What we can expect to see and hear around us in 2009, then, is a whole myriad of half-wit ‘free-thinkers’ engaging in political discussion based on a trifling of facts leaked by their mainstream news outlets. Quite the informed discussion, no doubt, taking place in every Starbucks across America—chock full of blame and lacking in substance, but what’s important is that finally the political left can relax after they get a president who they feel represents them and maybe the fear of this whole failing country will subside temporarily. But what does that mean? Very little to us, and soon enough it will mean less to you, dear readers. Living a filtered reality seems like a nice safe and blissfully ignorant sort of existence but the painful truth of the matter is that most people are happy with it. But not us, here at the Elf Wax Times. We want to see an antenna poking out of someone’s head, and abrasions on the film, and some asshole mucking up what would otherwise be a good shot – that’s reality, and truth, and needs to be left the fuck alone. And while three vague images of war being spliced together to make one very gruesome scene is captivating, it’s a god damn lie. Ordinarily, we here at the Times might embrace such a thing, but the fact that it is played off as anything more than basic entertainment is a slap in the face to our common values of decency and honesty, of our gullibility when it comes to taking the word of the press. To be told a lie is the truth. How far of a cry, then, is it to say that everything we know about existence could be one hundred percent false? How many times does the news, or a class, or a preacher, or a hobo inspire you to ask yourself that question? Here’s a tip: we exist only as a figment of our collective imagination in regards to what we believe ourselves to be a part of. Now alter a photograph of that. The expansion of the mind counters any argument that the human race is solid or long-lasting. What we believe people are and are not has less than nothing to do with what the Universe mapped out in its violent, birthing flicker at the release of all known energetic potential almost 14 billion years ago.

April Fool’s.