Judgmental Homosexual Hypocrites

Try saying that five times really fast. It’s a real tongue twister. It’s also a really annoying, and disgusting, combination of personality traits.

You would think that fags and dykes wouldn’t really be the judgmental types. When you consider the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves, you would think they should be more tolerant of other people. I mean, how can a guy say “I suck cock, and let other guys ram their cocks up my ass, but I don’t approve of what you do”? You would just expect a certain amount of tolerance from this particular group of people. But that’s not always the case.

Let me give you an example of a person with this particular combination of personality traits.

My son is in 8th grade, and had a “girlfriend” whom he really liked. Her mother is a big masculine bull dyke. She was, however, very nice to my son, and took him places with her daughter and herself. The first time we met her, I was briefed beforehand about how she is a dyke, and that I should watch what I say. No problem........I swore I would be on my best behavior. When she came over to my house, she told us that she decides whether or not she likes someone the second she meets them, and doesn’t give them another chance.

Now, that struck me as odd. She is (openly) a lesbian, and does not want to be judged by others for her sexual preference, but she immediately makes permanent judgments of other people.

Okay……..nothing like a little hypocrisy.

I let that go, and didn’t think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, I was taking her daughter and my son somewhere in my truck, and was listening to a Guns n Roses cd. I didn’t think to skip the song “One In A Million”, and when Axl Rose said “immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me”, the poor daughter got a weird look on her face. I just pretended like I didn’t hear it.

From then on, the gay mother would not even look at us or speak to us when we seen her at sporting events, and we seen her frequently since my son is a basketball and football player and her daughter is a cheerleader. She would intentionally ignore us. No big deal though…….who wants to be seen hanging out with a big masculine bull dyke anyway?

The thing about that which I found annoying was the fact that she is an openly practicing homosexual……..and that is okay……..but is offended when a song came on my car stereo that said faggot. It’s okay to be a faggot, but it’s not okay for my stereo to say faggot?

This dyke believes that’s it’s okay for her to judge people, but that she herself should not be judged for her homosexuality. She believes that engaging in homosexuality is okay, but to speak of it is wrong. Talk about hypocrisy and double standards!

When a guy sucks another guys cock, or a woman munches another woman’s muff, and is open about doing it, they have to expect that everyone may just not embrace their decision to do that.

The state of North Carolina defines homosexuality as a crime against nature, and a means to satisfy depraved sexual cravings. I tend to agree with them.

And for the queers who say “God made me this way”, I just have this to say: God did not watch Brokeback Mountain and say “ oh yeah……..that’s the way I want things to be”.

If you have queer sex, you are not in a position to judge anybody else!

And if you are open about engaging in queer sex, then you should be prepared to hear someone say the word “faggot” without being indignant!

And for the record…….I LOVE the song “One In A Million”!

President Obama contracts swine flu

Washington, D.C.--Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.

Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed "thousand-yard-stare" and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers' money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of "facts" and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.

President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy

"This newfound insight gained from the President's crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics," Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.

"He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he's forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda," Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, "Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?"

The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man's ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.

"Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps," Brunauer described. "I'd like to see this room," he said skeptically, "And I'd sure like to experience it."

Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light - small rooms where the world's fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney's top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, "He's been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com's interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn't have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!" Clinton's face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.

Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown

As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President's mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. "A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point," warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, "as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race."

President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard's real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he "may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with."

Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with "a predictable Zerg rush," as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.

The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, "What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That's great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit."

An SCV rush, or what Obama calls "The Peoples' Revolt"

Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. "Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts," he replied, "I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency." Obama then said, "Good game," and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an 'allied victory' so Americans can still say they've "never lost a war."

As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.

This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.

SHITHAIR

I recently read that giraffe smell terrible……almost unbearable. One person described the giraffe as an animal that always smells like it’s been dead for a week. Upon hearing this, I had to find out why they smell so bad. I couldn’t help myself. After doing a little research, I found out that giraffe hair contains two of the chemicals that give feces its smell. The smell is so bad, that it actually repels ticks and mosquitoes. Can you imagine having hair that reeked so strongly of shit, that ticks wouldn’t even crawl on you? Game wardens claim that they can smell giraffe from a mile away when they are downwind.

While doing research on the pungent aroma of the giraffe, I learned about the sloth, and how terribly they stink. The tree sloth spends most of its life hanging upside down. They move so slowly, that they could not possibly climb down on the ground to piss. So, naturally, they piss all over themselves every time they piss while hanging upside down. And having a lifetime of piss in their fur tends to create quite a stench. Adding to the stench is the mildew growing in the piss-soaked fur of the sloth. The mildew actually serves to provide camouflage for the sloth. That piss-soaked, mildew covered fur, creates a stench that must be experienced for one to fully comprehend it.

Now, this isn’t the national geographic stinking animal forum, so I will get to the real issue I wanted to discuss……..third world countries……..and their human-giraffe-sloth populous.

We’ve all heard of the swine flu pandemic coming out of Mexico. The common misconception is that this is a disease caused by the Suidae (aka pigs), which was passed on to the Mexicans. Now, I have been to Mexico many times, and I can tell you that you can smell the place about a mile from the border at Tijuana. It is a typical third world country, in which the collective masses ignore well known sanitary practices, and choose to live in their own squalor. There is raw sewage flowing through the streets of every large city I visited in Mexico. If the people there are content to live in their own squalor, one can only imagine the conditions in which Mexican pigs are forced to live…….eating, standing, and sleeping in their own filth. It’s a shame that any animal is forced to live in those conditions. It’s no wonder that swine flu is running rampant down there. The truth of the matter is that the Mexicans gave swine flu to the pigs, they didn't catch it from the pigs. They gave swine flu to the pigs, then caught swine flu from the pigs, and were later generous enough to sneak into neighboring countries and share their swine flu with the world.

The official position of the Mexican government is that the blame for the swine flu pandemic lies squarely on the shoulders of the World Health Organization for not doing more to stop the swine flu pandemic after they caused it. Yep……..you read that correctly…….it’s not their fault that they caused this problem, but it’s everyone else’s fault for not fixing the problem after they caused it.

As you sit at your computer reading this, there are citizens of third world countries taking a dump in the garden where they grow their food, and pissing in their own water supply. Just like any five year old American child knows not to do that, they know not to do that, but they do it anyway. And when they get sick from doing what they know they shouldn’t, it will be your fault for not somehow doing more to clean up the pile of shit they left on top of the food growing in their garden. I mean, you could stop reading this right now, fly down there, and follow these human sloths around, and clean up their shit and piss for them. But you’re not going to…….your still sitting at your computer reading this.

So, everything is your fault, asshole!

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. "The strange thing is," Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, "Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news."
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. "If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they're out," Dr. Troubador admits. "I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything." Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don't need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. "You can't fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won't EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!"

Man's dreams fall into lap

Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.

American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals

"I was just staring out the window thinking, 'Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.' But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same," said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.

Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. "Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein', I just don't know what I'll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it's all out there for me," he said with a grin.

Jay Kenny said he'd already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. "Paper hits the door every mornin'. The songbird sings my favorite tunes," he said. He went on to describe how he'd come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. "Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner's insurance, water. With what's left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I'll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus," he said, pointing to his dog. "I guess I might just write about that."

Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. "I don't like to ask no questions," he said. "Something told me I'd be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I've got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that's probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it'd all pay off eventually." And it did.

Local man repairs relationship, loses penis

Roanoke, Va.--A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was "still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked." Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong.

Tina Shrubman, a 46 year old "homemaker" described the scene to police and reporters a "bloodbath, not in the sexual way, but almost," as the man's dismembered tool flopped around like a suffocating fish on the counter-top in her Martha Stewart-influenced kitchen. Lustily, Shrubman bit her lower lip.

Lieutenant Leroy Jackson, who is not supposed to disclose any details around an ongoing investigation, revealed to reporters, "Cletus Ragburn, waited for Ms. Shrubman's return in her living room, naked, prepared to operate a table saw mounted on two sawhorses. Confused, she instinctively pepper-sprayed him, causing his thumb to react, triggering the power saw to spin out of control and fall to the floor, castrating him in the process."

When asked where the pet would be sent for treatment, Jackson replied, "I am not at liberty to divulge that information."

Joe Diamond, attorney for Ragburn's johnson revealed that the member was seeking severance pay, a full health insurance package and a guaranteed nine-to-five stroke job.

Roanoke Valley under fire

Virginia, U.S.--The local human plantation of Roanoke, Virginia is at the brink of destruction.

There is a major reason to believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that waves of mountain lions did descend on the people of the Roanoke Valley in the great retaking of the cherished homeland. Sources say it is the largest incident on record of the overtaking of an American city by the surrounding wildlife.

A peace treaty is being worked out with the animals, but no inside sources have yet indicated any premonitions around the terms of the agreement. Anonymous sources report that Roanoke mayor David Bowers, best known for having sold the town to Wal-Mart out of gambling desperation, denies any involvement with unpaid, lion-related debts, saying, "I wouldn't make a wager with those penniless rubes. They only want your flesh anyway."

Field analysts say the animals have taken to gathering in the Roanoke Civic Center where humans are hunted for entertainment following a sold-out Toby Keith concert.

Jim Fixx, our reporter on the scene, identified twelve positive kills before he himself was eaten alive by a ravenous pair of adult hill cats.

Town spokesperson Lightfoot Steifewagen recalled a feeling of terror, when on her evening run to Wally World was pulled over by lions and questioned. "They wanted to know where I was going," she said. "They asked where I came from. Like it's any of their business!"

Attorneys for the swarm of mountain lions have stated the occupation is officially a peace-keeping mission intended only to affect a very precise few people who took part in the alleged attempt to overthrow the laws of nature. But he added, "No one is directly at fault for the decline of the mountain lion's land, but because all have systematically taken part in the mass rape of it as every nut and every cog is needed to turn the gears of Humanity - the Great Fucking Machine." It is a principal moment in interspecial relations in which a beast, with an attorney's help has leveled the playing field with man.

So far, the verdict is split. If no verdict is reached after a second round of hearings Tuesday, the Roanoke County vs. Mob of lions trial could move on to the Virginia Supreme Court, where experts say the level of clusterfuck is expected to be a critical mass situation. Commander Von Hertenweiner, lead gang-rapist of the lion's crack legal team on the case, said, "I foresee a dimension of politics so unexplored that NASA scientists and mathematicians have been placed on temporary standby, awaiting transmissions from the top." Judge Joe Mathis, who is expected to rule on the case, said "Next week's hearings should go as smoothly as an abortion case, or a sudden lion attack." He concluded, "If things get too hairy, I will back someone into a corner and hold them in contempt of court after they lash out at me with rage." The press room then let out a chuckle, quit their jobs, and went home to 'blog about it.

In other news, rising again to defend the Glory of Mankind, as he has done countless times before and forever will do into perpetuity, Winston Churchill had this to say: