AL QAEDA LEADER IN IRAQ NOT CAPTURED

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.

The man suspected to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq was found snoozing in a house in the Northern city of Mosul. The man confessed to being the owner of the long, unpronounceable name shown above but the military has yet to confirm whether or not he's a lying sack of shit. There's a chance that these men are trained to lie about their rank in order to throw off our forces, but that's why they're working on figuring out exactly who he is. There is a bounty on his head for $5 million so if they wanted to save time figuring out whether or not he's the man, a guard could check on him periodically from outside the cage to see if there is shit all down the backs of his legs.

More as this story develops.

Elf Wax Update [Editor's Edition]: I was right.

BAGHDAD -- “We can confirm that we do not have al-Masri in custody,” Major Peggy Kageleiry, U.S. forces spokeswoman said today in an e-mail. Yes, that’s right, she sent out an e-mail. Sources say it was sent through the popular social networking site, MySpace, a Rupert Murdoch company.

You heard it yourselves. The $5 million man was not caught yesterday and what’s more is that U.S. forces believe he may have already been killed – twice – in the last two years, first during a raid on al-Anbar in October 2006 and later in the town of Taji on May 1, 2007 so it should come as no surprise, then, that they thought he was captured yesterday. Elf Wax Times Military Analcyst Harry Woodcock estimates that al-Masri will be “bombed, exploded, shot three times, and re-captured twice before 2010,” but Woodcock then warned that the man will remain “at large”. Military officials hail al-Masri’s resilience as “commendable” and are elevating him to the legendary status of Terror itself (the entity at which America is indefinitely at war). In an Elf Waxclusive Interview, Major Kageleiry baldly stated:

“Despite being killed twice and now captured, al-Masri is still out there, like Terror, a creepin’ and a crawlin’, and a lurkin’ through Google Earth to learn the street patterns of America’s homeland subdivisions, so that Charlie may more effectively bring this War on Terror—I mean Freedom—no wait, I mean Terror, yeah, into your own back yard. You’re gonna edit that out, right? We’ll PATRIOT Act your ass!”

Until every terrorist leader, subordinate and grunt who may succeed his slaughtered Commanding Officer is eradicated, the War will continue unabated, or until someone realizes that shooting into the darkness at Specters is a waste of time, energy, morale and resources, and not to mention a failure in the application of logic to the art of war. It makes a country look pretty fucking dumb when it loses to itself in a war against nobody, standing out in the desert, swatting at invisible enemies before finally falling on its ass like a helpless drunk. But don’t blame the soldiers, those tough motherfuckers can’t help that their leaders are guided by tunnel-vision and fluked reasoning. Still, history has shown us that even a moron can successfully engage in war. Only a true fool, then, could take the most powerful military in the world and with it, break its master nation, the homeland, down into a nervously bumbling, on-edge State of Fear and Loathing.

This son of a bitching fuck-up in hasty judgment over al-Masri is just one more example of how this shit is allowed to go on. Either way, the message that leaks through the mass media looks like this: “We got a terrorist, oh wait, no we don’t, Terror’s still alive, we must keep fighting!” or “We captured a terrorist! The War on Terror is working, people. Remain complacent, America. The government is in control.”

When will you bastards learn to think for yourselves…? God in Heaven, save the Earth and bring on the Nukes, but leave China out of this. All they know how to do is poison food. No, we need to Nuke something more poisonous, more dangerous, more contrary to human existence. Bomb Iceland.

This is the War on Terror and expect more of it, Dear Readers, because our economy is not yet at its knees, no it’s only been whipped into a slump for now, but give it time and all that overhead swatting will finally throw us off-balance. Then we’ll really have a reason for war. The hungry will rise up, and challenge the guardians of what last little bit gas is left; gas that is now set to hit $4.00 by summertime (thank the gas companies for using the war as an excuse for added inflation). That will happen in your back yard, because America is smartly, or perhaps not-so-smartly hording what will eventually be the last of the gas. So naturally, the safest place on earth at that time will be any small island, whichever is farthest from that crude shit.

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.