Iran and America Agree: "Fuck Afghanistan"

Iran and the United States have come together in a landmark baby step, citing their agreement. "Afghani drugs are no good," says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. This is partly because the Taliban is forcing the peasants to grow opium, and partly because the United States would have a perfect shot at winning the War on Drugs if it weren't for these meddlin' A-rabs and their cockamamy dope schemes.

"Afghani Kush is just something college kids say in order to sell their weak, low-grade pot to each other," Stanley Straightedge, director of the D.E.A. published in an official press statement released Monday. "We don't want to effect that." Straightedge indicated that the two countries are not so concerned with the marijuana leaving Afghanistan, but they want to stem the opium trade, which has been directly linked to terrorism, contrary to what post-9/11 commercials told pot-smoking soccer-moms: that all the money they spent on gas and weed were actually buying the videotaped beheadings of journalists.

He continued, "The kind of drugs coming from Afghanistan contain no more opiates than your grandmother's ordinary pain medications." Straightedge went on to say, "The really good stuff is coming out of Mexico, and we feel that the gang wars taking place in the dirt capital of the world are helping to improve the quality of our imports due to increased competition." He indicated that he wants to keep those fears flowing as a last bastion for xenophobic politicians who sometimes tend to run out of creativity around voting season. "Plus, you've got to feed the monkey," he added.

Now, Iran's sudden anti-drug stance and a shared interest in being the largest buzz-kill in the Eastern Hemisphere has finally given the United States a reason to like them. In the past, heroin peddlers have used the technique of injecting their potential purchasers in order to get them hooked before they even know they want to buy the drug, leaving them with little choice thereafter but to feed their newfound dependence. Borrowing from this tactic, the U.S. is planning to Zerg-rush the third-world country's primary source of income with narcotics agents, the antithesis to drug-runners, in an unprecedented move thought by E.W. Times analysts to be the one and only action left to take on the Taliban "that will surely lead to a new terrorist bombing in the future."

"Basically," Wayneskis said, "What you've got here is a bunch of assholes out in the desert with only one good thing going for 'em: drugs. It's fine and good for them, but how's that helping you and me shop at Kroger?" Wayne continued, "This is a real problem for us and for them too because the only way they're going to be able to plant some grass, open jobs at the Gap, build a good clean country [HEIL] and grow our corn is to get off that heroin and start injecting Uncle Sam."

On an unrelated note, the War with Iran is expected to begin on its predetermined start date of July 4, 2010.

Local Chinaman "not the issue"

The Chinese have denied the existence of a recent video released showing the vicious beatings of Tibetans by what appear to be a small Chinese police force. In their defense, a Chinese official proudly stated that because the video was posted over YouTube, a web service that has been officially banned since 2008, they never saw it, it doesn't exist, and as far as they care, whatever video that happens to be floating around out there is simply pro-Tibet propaganda determined to tarnish the the central Chinese government's consistent track record displaying its ability to cover up an obvious total crackdown on all unofficial states of mind.

Outside source Walter Sobchack told Elf Wax reporters it was in fact a matter of "unchecked aggression," saying, "The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, YOU DO NOT-" Sobchack interrupted himself to iterate that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, requesting reporters and his bowling partner to use the politically correct, updated term, "Asian American, please."

A Chinese government official was quoted as saying, "The Dalai Lama group is used to fabricating lies to deceive the international community." The unnamed speaker for the Chinese police-state said he had personally gathered evidence with far-reaching implications in the future dynamics of religion and politics as he went on to complain of yo' mama jokes which the Dalai Lama and others had made in regards to her weight and intelligence. "Every joke contains a kernel of truth," he cited, and so the jokes were later proven by the state with photographic and anecdotal evidence to be largely untrue. He said, "she has never tripped over any phone, cordless or otherwise, even when we had telegraph wire lying in the floor of the opium dens." The Chinese Secretary of Defense Chi Gong was once recorded wearing a wire complimenting [unnamed spokesperson]'s yellow raincoat which he said, "neither made people call out taxi, nor prevented her from hailing one, as our state transportation department cab service is fair, balanced and justified regarding its decisions of who, and who not, to pick up when selecting fares, even in the cases of these vicious beatings, which did not happen, the Tibetans were provided with a prompt, free taxi service to a Tibetan shrine deep into the Earth's crust."

However, there was already such public outcry against the Dalai Lama's earlier mama jokes from prior months that, by this time, the Tibetan spiritual and political leader was exiled indefinitely from Tibet by Chinese authorities. So unlike actual Chinese-Tibetan Buddhist monks, the Dalai Lama protests safely from Dharamshala, India.

In a backstage interview, an unnamed Chinese actor said he portrayed a security guard whose role in the filming of the anti-Chinese propaganda video was to pretend to beat, choke and kick people tied up with mock zip-ties. "For a group of people who have released all worldly possessions, they sure are attached to their land; we want to show the world just how attached they are," he said. "Hey, you guys wanna go eat some Chinese after this?" In an interview with an actual Chinese security guard who requested that he not be named, lest the heavy hand of Communism wipe his existence out entirely, said that if what happened in the video were to have actually taken place, "The idea would be to get them acquainted with beatings, captivity and general harassment methods and try to open them up to the idea that staying here isn't going to be the peaceful, meditative experience they thought they'd live the rest of their lives out to be." He continued, "What they tell you in the pamphlets and the brochures about this place, whatever it is, it can't be true. We are constantly beating and torturing these people. Abducting them, interrogating them and locking them away in our prisons. With all the beatings, I really don't think it's a very suitable place for retirement into the tranquil arms of unending peace."

The Dalai Lama said he will turn his back on the failure of Tibet once he finally overcomes how awesome it is that he became the Dalai Lama because he accidentally picked out the right combination of hairbrushes, cups and toys as an infant, an event which some claim he "doesn't even remember".

This just in

Armed cattlemen gather to wrangle up
sheep-like capital resource

Our generation is doomed to the cooperation of all distributors of every major known resource in a valiant effort to turn a buck on the entire human race at each opportunity, degenerating us with PR incentives into an unquestioning, unthinking, digitally satisfied, technologically gratified, self-tending human plantation. If things continue at the pace iPhones and on-demand cable have set out, then we will not evolve, but devolve, the opposable thumb becoming civilization's fiercest natural enemy.

The total output and sheer growth in numbers of cell phone towers will finally generate a large enough volume of short radio waves through polluted air to double the rate of all conditional cancers so as to make yet more money off the same resource, selling vital medications until the usefulness of a particular hominid's living insides is so rotted, drugged up and decomposed that only local funeral homes can pick off the last few thousand dollars left in his or her insurance fund. One final score for the cash-vultures willing to carve up your corpse and who don't mind breathing in a little formaldehyde.

As the Indians took and used all parts of the buffalo but the brain, which they used against the animal's configurable habits to control it into the killzone, so too does the invisible hand of our unseen master from the front porch of his far-off third-world plantation.

Goodnight.

News no longer newsworthy

Just as the protesters marched on Washington to keep pressure on the new president's foreign policy, war policy, and end worldwide occupations Saturday, the Obama administration is ramping up for a new war on Iran.

In an expected twist, the joke is on the peaceniks. As it turns out the joke has always has been on peace-loving freaks because the American public has been lied to so much throughout every war the country has ever been in, that there is no way to stage a truly educated demonstration. There is no effective way of communicating anything to the government without looking like a baby trying to explain its own needs in proper English. But those who are large enough and loud enough to do so are met with resistance bombings and war.

From the slitted windows of the capitol buildings, and from inside Lockheed Martin and co., the CEOs, upper-ranking officials, and politicians laugh inside to themselves, their vision fixed on the ignorant masses clamoring to have their voices heard, chanting the best internet slogans the logical mind can apply to the irrational conditions the money-chasing military-industrial complex has created for them. Or maybe they aren't laughing? Maybe they are too busy reveling in the deeper sense of their ability to control it: the game and its rules, from the flow of money to the reporting of news about where that money went, to occupations to infestations to exterminations and back around again into brand new broken nations. They are the masters of their own little corners of reality.

By sponsoring the news, they are immune from its "bad reporting". Mainly bad because in the industry, it is frowned upon by executives if and when an unauthorized report shines negatively on Lockheed Martin, whose tentacles of many names sponsor your station, newspaper, or college, paying your paycheck, financing your scholarships, giving you free internet. This practice is known as "shitting where you eat", and it does not pay the Audi bill. It's a no-no and reporters lose jobs over it, even though they're only trying to cover the truth, because the safety term is 'conflict-of-interest' by the books, but the truth of the matter is they don't want anyone reporting on these companies which pay them anyway. This is how the media has become an entertainment industry and why it is no longer known as 'the news'. This is why newspapers are dying and how the news has transformed into some globular cluster of pill company PR and cancer commercials, with the occasional lie-facts sheet thrown in and used as the inside source.

Because the news used to report facts. Here's what it looked like earlier in the last century:

Here, you see men working. Digging for the facts, whatever they are. Whatever the detail is that they're pulling out, you will get the story on it and you can bet the farm on every fact being crucial, pertinent, uninteresting and included. Everything newsworthy runs; everything that isn't winds up on the floor. Even the Battle of LA was printed in this time. That's kick-ass reporting!

Newsroom from 1920 [good job guys]

"Good evening, I'm so-and-so. Here's the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. That was the news. I'll see you tomorrow because I do my job."

Now here's what it looked like in 1990:

"Good evening, I'm so-and-so-II. Here's the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Opinion. This just in - I'm no longer a news anchor because I broke the golden rule of journalism by breaking objectivity."

That's right. The guy actually fired himself automatically for infracting on his public responsibility because that's how religiously fucking objective he was expected to be, but deceit had already been creeping in by this point. This guy went on to be a huge success at CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, and early on enjoyed moderate success with the Insane Clown Posse. Probably.

Newsroom in the 1990s
[see where this is headed?]

Here's "the news" from 2009:

"Good afternoon, I'm a big name in Entertainment Weekly, and this is the news. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Filtration of another fact. Small fact. Opinion. Outright slander. Fact half-supporting slanderous accusation. Closing opinion. And that's how it really happened, folks. Behind closed doors here in my office." Soon enough, news anchors are going to start telling us "Don't touch that dial! Stay tuned for a message from our sponsors, and we'll be right back with a filtered, uncalled-for-but-totally-gonna-happen review of the actual information obtained through our wire service."

Newsroom from January, 2009

Oh that paparazzi! What wacky, outrageous story will they distract us with next?

"I farted."

Chuck in 2012

Killer, presidential candidate Manson, 2009

Charles Manson: due to be released in the year 2012, the world-famous serial killer is up for his twelfth parole hearing on the final notch in the Mayan calendar, and he's already announced new plans to get an acid-washed desert cult underway in the hope of advancing the great holy war of ideology.

The aging mastermind behind the 'Helter Skelter' killings spoke to the press earlier this morning, commenting on the ups and downs of his career turning points. The sexually-powered messiah commented on prior failures, saying "I'd like to see more chainsaws being rammed into peoples' assholes." He went on to include a tirade about the Beach Boys and his unrelated involvement with hypnotism and mind control techniques, whose details will not be reported here.

As an order of natural law, Yoko Ono should not have an utterable name. She was instead a device planted by the Manson Family to destroy the morale of the opposing faction of insanity, the other stoned acid culture who are not famous for brutal killings, but instead flower-prints, tie-dye, and being sold in Bob Dylan's Pepsi commercials.

Japanese people love beetles. Yoko Ono did not love Beatles. Buffalo Wild Wings is having an initiation tonight. Whoever dies in the parking lot wins the store.

Obama promised a new day in US Irania relations. Iran's nukes will be dealt with through negotiations, because everybody owns nukes anyway so who gives a fuck about controlling them anymore? "If the US will stop meddling in other countries' affairs, Iran will change." -Iranian spokesperson. It is already rumored that Iran has figured out a way to use nuclear power to travel back and forth through time, and so went four weeks back in time and then two years into the future and assassinated Barack Obama in the future, by way of the past. He has both already been dead for two years and has been our president for two months.

If Manson is released, he becomes automatically eligible for nomination to presidential candidacy behind whom we can all support monetarily and politically, and interestingly competitive with regards to Sarah Palin and the GOP. Write your local congressman, and tell them to delve into Manson in 2012, for heavily-taxed but outstanding health care, so that we may amend the Constitution to support senseless killing and talk about the good old days of murder, when it was available only on the black market. Those were the days. Let Manson take you back to the past, in the future!

Reporting live from inside Gaia Online

Gaia is great because it is full of people who just can’t seem to get a grip on real life at all. With all its fantasy role-playing, cliquishness, inside jokes, and the unending affection of total strangers, it is a welcome hideout for the socially awkward to escape to. It's also a place, however, that some must inevitably escape from.

Gaia has its own economy, its own government, its own society, subcultures, and religion. It has all the inclinations of our modern-day, real-life architecture, but it exists entirely within a digital computer world in which everyone is rewarded for their contributions and participation. While this appeals to the same gear of human nature which likes videogames and play-until-you-win reward systems, some people replace real-life interaction with this alternative reality in which everyone can be a winner all the time. And because this is the new reality that replaced the old one, in which we used to have to be there for our friends and communicate with them and be good to them, help them out with their issues, and so on, its lack of social challenge perverts these users' concept of what meaningful social interaction is, because there is no real basis for friendship anymore. You can now make friends by looking at their profile, making a comment about it, and then sending a friend request. This is easy to do and anybody can have thousands of digital friends and still speak to just a couple of people every day. So then social interactions start to mutate, and we begin replacing one emotion with another. Because a friend's enthusiastic laughter no longer accompanies every interaction, we begin replacing one genuine emotion - happiness - with others: attachment, intimacy, joy from acceptance, and from sharing secrets or an experience unique to this kind of existence.

Just today I discovered two people playing out this weird mommy/daughter role-play fantasy routine where the daughter keeps asking mommy if she loves her enough, and taking issue with the fact that she is never there.

thx i just fekt out because u where never on and u where on when i was not V_V but now its ok ^_^

^in response to the following:

OK...I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT I am your friend/mom! ^_^ So I need to tell you that this weekend I won't be on because I am going to my fiancee's mom's house and she doesn't have interwebz.... crying BUT I will get on asap! ^_^ How are you doing??

The posts are being deleted every day or two, probably because the daughter doesn’t want the outside world to see what she has been doing with her internet time, especially not real mommy and daddy.


You see, this is just the hilarious tip of the iceberg. Between exaggerated realities like the example you see here, and the kid who posts in the non fiction arena about his dad beating him and his sister with a thirty foot extension cord, you have a bell curve of people who talk about goths, and how they aren’t goths, “emos”, their avatars, vampires, people who are vampires, people who love vampires, and people who wish they were vampires so they make vampire avatars.

You will find people who have absolutely no bearing on the art community, but post as feverishly as though there was a little publisher standing behind them, yelling, “Churn out more material! The kiln of the entire artistic community simply will not fire without your input! We need more shit faster!” And they don’t care that shitting out some half-assed blurry snapshot of their cat isn’t considered art, because to them, it IS art just so long as they have some bullshit reason to contrive and justify its submission to the corporate-owned art community they wish to be a part of.

As you have already figured out for yourselves, this is a website by adults, for kids. It purports to support creativity and self-development by selling fake, digital garments and accessories, backed by MTV/Viacom finance and style-marketing keywords, which can be bought with the fictitious gold either purchased with a parent’s credit-card or “earned” through the submission (spamming) of a picture of one’s eyeball, or a drawing of their own avatars, or copying-and-pasting Wikipedia entries (a known source of bullshit). Like real-life rap music and Britney Spears from the year 2000, people are now digitizing an existence in which they make art for Pepsi commercials and help to propagate the style and standard set by the “manufacturer of cool” where ten-year-old styles and attitudes that, in the circles that once pioneered them, stagnated within months of their inceptions but carry on through marketing, online advertising and PR. Subversive cultural dynamics submitted by the undercover hired geeks of Viacom keep the tensions alive and convince children that signing their identities away to a multinational corporation is how to rebel against mom and dad, and their vicious ADD medications. Paid strangers keep this shit alive, not regular people. MTV’s future and their ability to control ours depends on it.

We will see you next Friday when local media mogul Billy B will present his continuing investigation into the world’s most unprecedented cheapening of everyday reality. He’s looking into the bastardization of artistic standards and practices in their entirety as part of his investigation into the seedy microcosm mocking our very existence in all its capacity to do so by using us against our nonintellectual selves. We’ll report to you next week from inside the hellish introspective reality of Gaia Online.

This is all we are, in a nutshell, and all we’ll ever be. Tune out, jack in.

The universe is like the sway bar in my car. You just drive over that same stretch of horribly maintained road too many times, and the lynch-pin snaps. The behemoth machines tear trees off their roots and toss them into trucks, and off they go. Ruin my road in the rain, sleet, ice or snow. I have to be honest with you folks out there, I use wood on a prolific scale. Being a woodworker by trade and by hobby it is just what I naturally do. I also have a job at a Barbecue joint and they burn good hickory just for food. So I have a hand in all this logging business, and I've even cut down a few trees myself. It's just not good for the environment. Logging ruins perfectly good dirt roads, and they don't care until it gets too bad for their trucks. I've bottomed out daily for a month, and is it any surprise that my radiator leaks, and the sway bar has snapped off? Just imagine what those animals are going through.

But wait a second. You may be asking yourself "What has this all got to do with the universe?" or perhaps "Is this is going to be a terrible philosophical metaphor?"

Well, there is a lynch-pin that holds the entire universe together like my sway bar, but it is religion, and not the loggers who are fucking it all up. And yes, this is a terrible metaphor, because just like the logging industry, religion would not exist without the support of those they are ruining.

The Cult of the Fire

A squat hairy bit of folk discovered fire before any other human ancestor. They were probably the oldest ancestors of the Neanderthals, although it is difficult to tell for sure. Groups began a primitive kind of fire-worship, quite literally believing God was alive within the flames. This was in contrary to Sun worship, which was the predominant belief among Cro-Magnon ancestors. Early Cro-Magnons shunned the use of fire, sun-drying all flesh they did not wish to eat raw. There is evidence of Fire worshippers being killed en masse by spears made Cro-Magnon style, but only up to the exact point at which fire pits are found in Cro-Magnon settlements. Is killing eachother the only way we've been able to stop ourselves from becoming god? We were all once the evil cult of the fire.

The Lynch Pin Snapped

God is dead even if you think he lives every day in you. He is getting to be a couple of thousand years old anyway, and is probably good and tired of taking the fall for everything that happens. Perhaps he committed suicide if we're really made in his image. The fact is that religion has caused too much death, pain, and exploitation for anyone with any sense to still believe. The religious tenets of Christianity do not explain why Christianity has done so much bad. At least Islam says that Allah will sort out the innocents, and I'm sure that's a comfort to many people. America is so fervently religious we're simultaneously joyful, hateful, and outraged at what has happened to the world. Gays and women who abort fetuses are the cult of the fire and Christians would have the world rid of them. Just watch Fox News, fair and balanced hatred of weird ideas like Global Warming or oh-so sinister sounding Neo-Darwinism. The Lynch pin snapped at Intelligent design, and this will be the first Cro-Magnon generation to worship fire.

What is Intelligent Design?
What a marvelous question! An intelligent design is something that was designed for a purpose by an entity with intelligence. For example, the bow and arrow was designed so that when nocked, an arrow can be launched from the tension of the bent bow. Nobody knows how bow and arrows came to be, but a scientist in Intelligent Design theory could tell you that the bow and arrow obviously did not appear out of thin air. There had to be something that came before the bow and arrow, and it couldn't have possibly been the spear. There must have been a "designer."

YOU WERE NOT CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD

Surfin' USA

Our right to privacy extends only as far as our ability to protect it since technological advancement and the government have joined hands against us. The right to privacy will be as void for humanity as the right to a fair trial was to the Guantanamo Bay detainees. We're basically doomed to an existence carried out under the filtration of the all-seeing eyes behind the various agencies every ISP node is fed into via the NSA supercomputer. All information is monitored, all the time, regardless of how you choose to protect your 'physical data'. This is not just possible. It is more than probable, considering the unsupervised structure of our the internet everyone knows and understands (or doesn't understand) today. No one escapes it...

Until now!

Now introducing, from ElfWax Research & Labratories, the Modern-Day Information Doomwave SURFIN' SET!

Our set includes:

• -1 supersurfin' keyboard that uses lasers instead of keys. Now you can surf the net like the 1337 hack proz0r5 do - with an unwarranted sense of entitlement. Act as though you're experienced by dealing with something sensitive like key information by using equipment which can't be fingerprinted. Catch the wave AND get away with it!*

• -A Hand-Held Hate Speaker with a backlit clock. This 4-inch radio is armed with 400+ hours of recorded religious lecture by various extremist groups and terrorits. Also, hear the Beach Boys as you've never heard them before!

• -1 vacuum-packed hard drive containing a super computer virus that actually turns your computer's insides into liquid shit. Using TNTech brand research and advancements in pyrotechnics technology, you can ensure that all data within a 24-block radius is destroyed permanently with a high-profile electromagnetic pulse emitted by forcing a power surge through your home's own electrical system.**

• -A single-use flash-drive bullet which can be safely (but assertively) put to your throat and discharged using a GUI (graphical user interface) to send a digital signal to the USB drive, which plunges the hot metal deep into your brain stem. When uncle sam is listening to your muffled cries through your LAN connection AND from outside the door to your back porch, let them know you just went out in style, the American way!***

*You will not get away with it
**subsequent chemotherapy bills are the sole responsibility of the consumer, but it doesn't matter anyway because your ass belongs to Uncle Sam (oh shit they control the after-life, too!) now get down on your knees and pray for the Sun God to blow up the Sun.
***All of our bullets are made in China and may not contain actual lead or any other hard material, and may dissolve in humidity, becoming a mild toxin poisonous to infants.