Elf Wax Has Moved

Due to resounding success and extreme hatred Elf Wax has moved to a slick new location away from this hell.

By visiting our web site, you will be eligible for one free victory dollar (just worthless USD$) with completion of a mail-in rebate.

STOP VISITING THIS SITE AND GET THE REAL SHIT AT
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How to Maintain Power

You've risen to power and have begun your regime by ordering society the way you see most fit. Perhaps you've stolen an election, denied freedom of the press, or even set the wheels of genocide in motion. No one said that consolidating power is easy, but you've done what you had to do and I don't blame you.

And now, those bastards you pulled out of the gutters have decided they don't know what is good for them. They're speaking out against your actions and at some point you knew it would come to this. The people have amassed in your capital and are staging daily protests against your policies.

The first thing you can try to do is shut down media sources. Pull the plug on the information flow and disable the internet. Shut down phone lines and imprison any who are responsible for printing dissident material. Usually this will stop the life blood of your peon's insurrection quite quickly. There may be dwindling protests for another day, but they will lose heart and you have almost guaranteed that their movement will not grow.

State controlled media is your best tool in this hour, and you should let the propaganda flow like what was left of last night's Taco Bell. Any protest always represents a vast minority of public opinion, and while the protests are currently non-violent, the protesters must be represented as the escalating faction. Blame the hated political faction of your region whether they be Communists or Capitalists. Any fear you can generate will be a great aid to your power.

In some cases, protests may still occur even after you have taken care of dissident leaders and disabled all communication. This is a sign that you will most likely have to take extra measures. DO NOT BE HASTY IN PUTTING DOWN THE INSURRECTION. There is a list of things you must do before taking care of the uprising to ensure your country's continued existence.

Firstly, have your secret police remove any foreign reporters immediately. Be extremely careful that not even one reporter leaks a single image or word after a certain point. Jail them if completely necessary, but do not treat them with the iron fist you are about to unleash upon your people. The less they have to tell, the better.

Make a gesture of goodwill to the protesters so that your propaganda machine will be able to paint you in a positive light. Do not attempt to appease the protesters, as they want to change your agenda. You must offer them a trifling insult of what they are illegally petitioning you for-an act of graceful enlightenment in the face of their ugly hatred. You can now continue with the last phase of dealing with your insurrection.

By this point, the protesters will have resorted to petty acts of violence as a way to get your attention. This is where you let the hammer fall, and let it fall hard. Even in China, the threat of military force has only angered and outraged citizens into further dissidence. Do not attempt to threaten with force at all. The protesters will assemble around the clock in their angry desperation and you can take advantage of this. Wait until the dark of night and cut off the power grid. At this point, you can let the tank treads do the rest.

Drawing on the successes and failures of other countries, I have outlined the bare essentials of putting down an insurrection. There may be many other factors involved in different situations, but remember: You know best, because you are the leader. Otherwise, you would not be in control.

An Eastern Approach to the Problems of Western Protest

Tbilisi, Georgia--Georgian police beat down and arrested opposition activists in the nation's capital today. Several journalists were among those arrested.

For two months, the opposition has been campaigning to force out President Mikhail Saakashvili. An AP photographer witnessed masked officers beating demonstrators who gathered near the police headquarters. Several were severely beaten into submission along with several TV journalists and camera crews whose tapes and video cameras were confiscated.

In all, 39 protesters were rounded up, according to Deputy Interior Minister Eka Zguladze, who said they had resisted police when they tried to arrest them for blocking a public street.

She apologized to journalists who were beaten and robbed, saying it was "our mistake."

Existing on a key energy route, Georgia is the iconic front line in the growing tensions between Russia and the West.

MILEY CYRUS - TRIBULATION

"When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we'd seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth's exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms."

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching
critical mass over the Pacific Ocean

Astronomers worldwide confirmed Miley's ascension into the cold, radioactive vacuum of space following the shockwave elicited by her sonic boom, visible from almost every clear sky in the Northern Hemisphere.

Fans of Miley say they believe the sexually exploited children's TV star was in fact an angel in disguise. Her reasons for suddenly and inexplicably self-propelling off the face of the Earth, fans speculate, is that although they (that is, girls in the 8 to 13 years' age range) respect her good choices and strive to emulate her in every way, these girls were not devoting enough of themselves and their disposable incomes to the Disney Corporation, Cyrus's parent company and sole owner of her product name and fortune - and so she was removed from our unworthy planet.

Some sources blame hard times. Others believe the crisis deepens.

Elf Wax theological experts say that when good, hard-working Americans begin to establish the credibility of an organized Disney-consumer relationship, there might someday be a second coming of Miley Cyrus, but after - and only after - Billy Ray Cyrus is dead. This owes in part to the theory that the constant, photographed molestation of his daughter is part of the reason she has dematerialized in outer space.

Some fanatics have elected to crucify him or even stone him to death in a hole, but experts warn against interference of the Divine Walt Prophecy of the Magic Kingdom, a puritanical manifesto that lays out the future of little girls' sexuality for all White, Western humanity, and Wal-Mart, to follow infallably the daytime TV Disney channel programming schedule and release dates for Up and its sequel, Down, noting that a lapse in good judgment is what caused Miley to originally disappear, and that any further failure to adhere to the strict puritanical morals set out by the religious/socioeconomic status quo could lead to dangerous levels of independent thought and a decline in second guessing of our true nature as human beings.

It's what some experts in Washington describe to be "a dangerous concoction of emotional freedom that, if placed in the wrong hands, might galvanize what would be an otherwise unquestioning populus into free-thinking people who form their own opinions about lifestyles, choices made based solely on the individual's ability to inform him/herself through God-given, not Disney-given, intuition and logical trains of thought."

Pedophiles everywhere are eagerly watching the skies - and the obituaries - awaiting the return of Miley Cyrus upon the eve of Billy Ray's demise.

China pirates self

In an astonishing blow to the country's economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state's most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country's Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a "Lars Ulrichy" stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, "Big whiny pussies."

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese "Hong Kong's-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead" knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country's methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State's underlying systems of internal exchange.

"One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes," said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. "In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented."

China is available for download on Apple's iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.

Iran bastardizes "Democratic" election

Chaos in Iran
----------------

Mir Hossein Mousavi, Ahmadinejad's opposition in Iran's primary election, has been placed on house arrest following mass rioting throughout the broken nation.

Rigged polls gave the incumbent dictator 63 percent of the votes, leaving Mousavi with less than 34 percent - a difference that, if not tragic, is laughably contrary to what inside analysts projected. Most analysts, including secret inside reporters risking their lives and freedom to report the truth, indicated early on that given the outrageously high young voter turnout, Mousavi would probably walk away with "at least half" of the votes.

Mousavi was even beaten in his own "heartland" - a tampering that secures all suspicions that something is inherently wrong with modern voting standards in every Democratic region, but especially in those regions with Religious entanglement and high-profile corruption.

One Iranian citizen expressed his disenchantment with the ongoing bastardization of his Republic, saying, "You just have to close your eyes and try not to think about it."

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership's tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. "The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal."

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president's oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players' murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.

COMING SOON - PEE MOVIE

Coming this summer
brought to you by
Creamworks Pictures
in association with
Lebal Drocer, Incorporated

From creator Harry Meinschlong comes "Pee Movie", a comedy that will change everything you know about pee. Take a close look at the world through the eyes of one pee-drinker in particular - Jenny Jame Ison (Emma Watson). A recent high school dropout, Jenny wants more than the inevitable career that awaits her and every other aspiring actress in East L.A. - a job at the fake flower plant...making fake flowers. Jenny jumps at the chance to venture out of the trailer park, and soon encounters a world beyond her wildest dreams. When Jenny inadvertently meets a quirky pornographer named Roland (Morgan Freeman), she breaks one of the cardinal rules of Catholicism - she takes the back door as a method of contraception. A friendship with benefits soon develops, and Jenny gets a guided crash course in the ways of the movie industry. When she shockingly discovers that anyone can download a piss-fetish smut film for free off the internet, she realizes that her true calling is to stop this injustice and set the world right by being the best damn pee-drinker on the Lower East Side and creating a pornographic film so good, every American family learns in two hours' time the rewards of paying for her precious golden honey showers.

Why Hussein Is Fucking America

As we all know, Barack Hussein Obama has purposefully begun his career by attacking America's core values and principles with his decree to allow baby-killings, gay marriages, and practice of Islam. This all makes sense insofar as Hussein is a leftist hippie freak who believes in Marxism, a synonym for evil. However, as an alleged American citizen, one would expect his destructive economic policies to be in conflict with his own ambition to rule the entire world. This is a very tough question posing itself in the mind of true Americans who voted for Sarah Palin. Why would you destroy your own seat of power, Hussein?

Well, I found a few answers on the Cavalcade of Conflictedness that were really helpful, but they do bear a little supplement. All these quotes are copywright Liz Smith, and will quickly be detected as plagiarism by Copyscape, even though they are credited quotes of public statements.

"He wants to kill the old people and have all the rest of us die like shoeless beggars in Africa with his useless UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PLAN" -LIZ SMITH

In Hussein's mind, it is not fair that only Africans should die this way, America must be on equal footing with the third world. Because we have ignored the problems of peoples in the third world, Hussein wishes to punish us with the poor health care that the shoeless beggars he sprung from receive.

"He wants to roll out the welcome mat for the terrorists by reducing spending to protect our borders and ports." -LIZ SMITH

Hussein knows a thing or two about power gathering. If he wants to really rule the world, what he needs is another 9/11. Hussein doesn't mind if a few million people die to an atomic bombing, so long as he gets to rule the world. Additionally, everyone knows Hussein is a sympathizer for the terrorists and probably an agent for Al-Qaeda.

"He is going to destroy the economy further by micromanaging the auto and energy industries to advance the radical agenda of these lying "green" Nazis." -LIZ SMITH

Hussein's original plan to expropriate these industries for massive government profit has totally failed. Hussein has only been able to buy out majority shares in the auto industry without receiving any new kind of control at all. In a genius Public-Relations move, Hussein fired the manager of General Motors and changed nothing at all. Taking a page from Hussein's playbook, his rival for world domination has publicly humiliated the chief Aluminum Oligarch of Russia. Putin has made a bold move by keeping the status quo even more intact, while scoring a Public-Relations grand slam. Vladimir Putin is such an awesome dude. The lying "Green" Nazis have been too busy gassing jews with poisons taken from America's streambeds and riverbanks to comment for the Elf Wax Times. Our sources say the "Green" Nazis and Islamofascist Nazis have joined forces and are planning an imminent attack.

"Bailouts and gross spending of money that America does not have. He wants to break the backs of Americans for the next 75 years." -LIZ SMITH

Poor people are easier to control when you're taking over the world, and the quickest way to make people poor is to spend lots of money on them. This effectively makes money a worthless commodity that no one values and leads to communes full of hippies that support themselves in every way. These communes may be a part of Hussein's plan to create terrorist camps right here in the United States. These camps will be answerable to Hussein's hippie terrorist Czar, Bill Ayers.

The last reason, but not the least of reasons-in fact it's the only reason that is clearly stated without the supplement I have provided-I have already explained. Vladimir Putin is a badass and Hussein wants in on it. Liz Smith might think this is idiotic, but I admire Hussein for his rabid ambition and hope he takes over the entire world within my lifetime.

"Fascism and Big Government looks cool to him...what an idiot." - LIZ SMITH

Big government doesn't look cool? Don't say that to his face.

ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN

Guangdong, Cn.--Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a "game" known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users "1500 affection", a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet's willingness to do what one says. Pets are "captured" for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of "SidorooloFrom" generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don't really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, "STRAT GAME" in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.

Elf Wax Choosic Now Available On Grooveshark

Gainesville, FL--The online music streaming service, Grooveshark®, was pleased to announce Tuesday, the addition of several songs from the Elf Wax catalogue to its expanding database. The company, which has increasingly become a rival to Pandora®, expressed its enthusiasm in a personal email to Elf Wax.

"We're extremely excited to have your music on board." said Brandon Billups, Head of Label Relations at Grooveshark®. "First of all, all the song titles are hilarious and the music is great too. I especially dug 'Eye Don't Half U'."

Elf Wax Times' own internet trend specialist, Dr. Wikip Edia, has stated, "Grooveshark® is an internationally-available online music search engine and music streaming service, allowing users to search for and stream music, for free. It's audience grows anywhere from 2 to 3 percent a day." Dr. Edia also added, "Citation needed."

The addition of Elf Wax's auditory gold is also a first for Grooveshark®; it is the first time that Choosic will be available for aural digestion on the website. Elf Wax and their parent uber-corporation, Lebal Drocer Inc., both hope that this new medium of interconnection will help spawn new Choosicians around the Pac-Man inspired universe. Back to you, Shep.

Peanut Margarine & Knome Gelly (pictured above) can at last be streamed anywhere free of charge.

Dick, Dedication, and the American Dream

Roanoke, Va.--This girl I liked when we were in ninth grade was really cute and had pretty green eyes. I told her one day as we were walking to the buses and she said 'thank you.' I never thought another thing of it because chasing tail, I decided, wasn't my thing at that age. I still liked cartoons and videogames way too much to give all my energy to a time-vacuum like a girl and her problems.

Six years later, she came over to my close, personal friend's house seeking heroin. Evidently, she'd found a boyfriend who uses heroin, and she herself got addicted so they could enjoy the drug together. What dedication! I can only imagine how poisonous their relationship together is. If you've ever seen Requiem For A Dream, you know what I'm talking about. Obviously, not every chemical romance is like that, but the movie is a very accurate depiction of how many of these kinds of relationships work out.

Now, I have a long-term girlfriend but she is not a painful soul-vacuum, nor does she any heroin - or any hard drug, for that matter. There's a better way to keep a woman around without addicting her to a fatal drug, or so I like to think. I'd say that I've struck an almost psychologically unheard-of balance in which I get to be myself and happy with a woman at the same time. I get to play my videogames and have great sex, too. What's more, I get to spend any or all of my time at the aforementioned best friend's house on Bent Mountain because my girlfriend is not a succubus time-hog whose permission is required to fart.

Sometimes I go to my friend's house and we just play videogames and talk about the latest Elf Wax and how epic it will be when the mainstream media bows to its superiority as the earth shatters under the weight of the resulting irony. Other times are spent watching as drunk, worthless chicks file in and out during the occasional party. It doesn't happen often, because there's always an active XBOX 360 in the room - a natural female repellent. But it still happens.

The other night, a girl came in and proclaimed, "I'll get wasted tonight. I wanna get drunk and make a mistake. A mistake that makes babies." I hadn't noticed her until she said this. To me, women at parties are usually inconsequential, serving their benign purpose of making the men talk louder in their presence and nothing more. Also, they are good for starting fights, and beyond that, you're lucky to bang one and forget about it. You never date these girls. This particular girl was your typical party slut. Kind of chubby because she is too dim to recognize a correlation between McDonald's, beer, and her faltering appearance. Kind of slutty because the fatter a girl gets, the easier she has to be in order to compensate for her decline in received sexual attention.

So to what I thought was actually the fabled tongue-in-cheek wit coming out of a girl's mouth, I yelled out, "Yeah, pregnancy, alright!" Nobody laughed. I guess (with good reason) they took her very seriously and the chase was on. Or perhaps they didn't hear me, because it was funny and the way I said it was funny too, and nothing that leaves my mouth is short of genius. Regardless, I never took my eyes away from Nazi Zombies, at which I was brutally kicking the asses of the undead Wehrmacht.

Around me, cheap beers turned into cheap shots, and this girl got wasted, just like she said she'd do. Much unlike a woman, she stuck to her word, however I was still unimpressed because she hadn't yet made any mistakes, aside from tipping the bong in the wrong direction and spilling filthy, stinking bong water into the couch cushions. I saw it. It was yellow coming out. Very old, putrid water. Not one oxygen molecule to be found in it. It stunk and made her stink because she'd also spilled it on her clothes. How gross.

The party continued. She flirted with the Brosephs and loved their ability to put unbroken sentences together (when college guys feel intellectually dominant, they like to talk in a loud, reverse-Seinfeld tonality). She revealed her true stupidity when she asked, "Where are you from?"

"They're from a college, honey. Not a different state. Just not the Food Lion you work at." My thoughts were growing cynical. It was time to play some killer jams. Oops, no good. The Brosephs took over tha party, bro. They've been in there tuning up for two and a half god damn hours and the drummer's still sitting there twiddling his balls around. You gotta wait, bro. Bro. Dude. Gotta wait. "Get out of my god damn way and let a real musician play you fucking Modest Mouse-imitating honkies with your lame fail-minor chords and shit-eating cock-bang-the-drum-rhythms." Rather than say this, I thought it, and chose to wait outside patiently by the campfire. The girl was there.

After begging everyone present at the party to take shots with her, one at a time, she still couldn't bait an erection out of even the drunkest men, with the lowest standards. She had begun to embarrass herself by moving person to person, sitting in their laps and seeing if it took. Even after some very obvious lines of questioning, that went from, "I'm tired, I want to go to bed," to, "I'm going to bed now," to, "Do you like holding me?" to, "You want to come to bed with me?" she was having trouble getting results.

This worked on one guy. I knew his name because he played Nazi Zombies with me earlier and we shared victory. We got to level eleven together which had yet to be seen on this particular night, and so it felt good. He had originally showed up with a twenty-four pack of Bud Light, so he was drunk and getting drunker.

Sitting by the campfire and watching this pitiful scene between them in which she sat on his lap and he expressed his enjoyment of it, I thought, "This is it. She's going to finally get fucked like the whore she is on one of those filthy beds in the back room. Won't that be a pleasant Roanoke memory?"

Then, something interesting happened. He started playing hard to get. Not too hard, because I could tell he still planned to do something with her, if it was really going to be this easy, but he wanted to do it his own way, not hers. What he started doing was saying really funny shit to her, like "Sure, I'll take you home, but you won't like where home is," and then he said something along the lines of, "That should correct your mistake."

At this, the girl began crying. She'd already done this off and on throughout the night when no one would pay any attention to her. Still sitting on this guy's lap, she looked around the campfire at a circle of unfamiliar faces, lastly at mine, then turned to the only other girl present, her friend who she showed up with, and begged her to call some one and have her come pick them up.

Almost simultaneously, a bearded man appeared in the doorway of the house - a violent drunk who'd passed out early but knew this girl personally. He approached her with two gallant strides across the yard, asking her, "Do you want me to make you feel really good?" Her eyes melted from personal ownership to childish submission as he took her around the side of the house, where the two were not seen again for at least an hour. The girl disappeared. Chris, my Call of Duty partner, said nothing. Simply opened another beer and enjoyed the company of friends, as he'd been doing before the girl materialized in his lap.

The party was over. I went to sleep and woke up sick. Sick, because I smoked from the same bong as that filthy petri-dish of a girl from the middle of the state. Some unknown, unnamed hick town smaller than this one. The only kind of place capable of producing a dispirited character so familiarly squalid and lacking of common sense or decency. A desperate fat sow whose social success hangs on her ability to fuck someone new at every alcoholic gathering. The product of boredom due to excess. Of a lesson learned in which doing nothing equals doing something as long as a dick still penetrates her at the end of the night.

Hers was a life that led her to pouting her ass around, like a cat in heat, for the first burred penis whose instincts could safely guide it into the dark hole at the end of the tunnel-vision. First shaking it in front of this lap, and then that one, and another one only to be swept up by a surprise male she didn't expect. But it makes no difference anyway, because she's chosen the life of a vapid, disease-ridden drunk whore with no inspired future and ugly, meaningless friends, yet retains the ability to carry around a false sense of daytime dignity because she attends a community college somewhere.

A girl who has everything and gets nothing out of it. Has nothing good to say but is feverishly pounding texts out of her cell phone. Knows nothing even though she has the Internet, because she only uses it for Facebook and MySpace.

A girl who will never find this highly-detailed account of her actions, even though I wrote elfwax.com down on a slip of paper and threw it into her purse when she wasn't looking.

God Bless America. And God Bless The Elf Wax Times.

Bigfoot: The Question Remains

Foreword:
As Chief Cryptozoology expert at Elf Wax, I've been on the hunt for proof of Bigfoot for years. Lately, some hoaxes have become so complex and convincing, that the truth is actually less detailed and accurate than the hoax itself. Can a hoax be so perfectly orchestrated that the truth of the matter fades into oblivion? I think so.

Project Gigantopithecus

Say we were to take a group of Gorillas and genetically engineer them. This has been done with less sophisticated primates by Japanese research groups, and the animals have not been rendered sterile. In fact, there is a breeding population that has been given a gene that makes the animals glow in the dark. These phosphorescent freak-show monkeys serve no purpose, and no one really wants them to be. What we do need on this planet, obviously, are bipedal gorillas with near-human intelligence. The real problem lies in defeating the skeptical science community that simply does not believe in Bigfoot.

Bigfoot Walks Again!

The first phase will involve proof. A single specimen must be created from a Gorilla fetus in a lab to specifications which have already been stated. That is, we need a dead Bigfoot baby, and we need to drop it off where someone will pick it up in the wild. Once this is accomplished, Bigfoot can be put on the endangered species list, and public funding will pick up the bill for the rest of the plan. A highly intelligent and viable population of bipedal Gorillas must be released into North America, at the expense of the taxpayer.

Bigfoot - A Damn Communist?

The consequences of a Bigfoot population living at peace, in the wild, may stir ideological sentiments in a majority of our population, leading to a Velvet Communist Revolution. This is the part of the hoax where things may get dicey. Rush Limbaugh will likely call for an open season on the noble Bigfoot until they are all dead. Sean Hannity may release thousands of Bald Eagle clones trained to peck out the eyes of apes. We don't know the kind of backlash that Bigfoot's release will create, but there are ways to prepare. Arm Bigfoot with assault rifles, and train them in Guerilla combat. This will put off the hunters, and the eagles may have to find other apes to attack on the North American continent.

Wait, won't this plan just result in a terrible planet of the Apes style scenario?

You betcha.

Noggin

Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.

No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:

WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?

Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:


§ 14-177. Crime against nature - North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.

“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one's sexual partner.”


That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.

This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:


“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)


This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.

In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.

Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law.
There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.

This is insane!

After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.

Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:

http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/newseek.cgi?site=ctc&state=nc

Vultures Of The Human Kingdom

The vulture cleans up messes in nature, which would otherwise cause health problems. They don’t attack healthy animals, but focus on dead and dying animals. Botulinum toxin, the toxin that causes botulism, does not affect them, and they can eat rotten flesh containing anthrax, rabies, and cholera bacteria, with no ill health effects. The vulture’s sense of smell is so great, that they are able to smell the dead they focus upon from great heights. Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, until their stomach bulges, and then sit, sleepy and groggy, until they digest their food. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions, as they are one of the rare scavengers that can survive in hot, arid, desert regions. They are able to survive in blistering hot temperatures because they shit on their legs, and the water evaporating from their shit cools their body down.

The decline in vultures has led to hygiene problems in India, as carcasses of dead animals now tend to rot, or be eaten by rats or wild dogs, rather than be tidied up by vultures. Rabies among these other scavengers is a major health threat. India has one of the world's highest incidences of rabies.

As valuable as vultures are to mankind, they do not get the appreciation they deserve.

The human vultures of the world don’t get the appreciation they deserve either. Just like vultures eat dead animals so that they won’t spread disease, homeless people rifle through our trash to take our half eaten food, so it won’t turn rotten and spread disease. So, when you see a bum rummaging through your trash, keep in mind that, just like their airborne brethren the vulture, they are doing us a service.

Elf Wax zoologists have discovered that homeless people tend to smell so bad because they go to the bathroom on themselves. One theory is that, like the vulture, the homeless rely on water evaporating from the excrement and urine in their pants to keep themselves cool.

Just as vultures are able to live on only the carcasses of dead and diseased animals, the homeless are able to live on only the spare change and discarded food of the working.

The homeless, like the vulture, have evolved into a creature that can survive in almost any region, and sustain themselves on the waste of others. These misunderstood creatures are truly miracles of nature, and should be revered for their adaptability……..not scorned.

FBI DIRECTOR WINS WAR ON DRUGS

Washington, D.C.-- In a harrowing defense of marijuana's criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all other drugs including meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN).

So when faced with the challenging question, "Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?" Mueller said he could not. Therefore, he employed the "gateway drug" argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen's embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:

Elf Wax analysts are hailing the FBI director's clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana as "A classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere."

Brian "Honeybee" Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse expert, said, "What's more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with 'pot' or 'grass', or what is known scientifically as 'The Devil's Weed' by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That's hard-hitting evidence."

Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.

The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen's recent shameful thoughts found in CNN's broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State's ability to make every American's personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.--A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, "Join us or die." The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to "the malevolent moon" whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.

Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing

young Skywalker into the Dark Side

In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you're happily absorbing.

Possible uses for these chatrooms are:

1. Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
2. Internet predation
3. Learning
4. Discussion of current events
5. Discussion of painful past events
6. Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
7. Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
8. Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)

Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It's what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States' confiscated drug supply.

Behind the Scenes at Elf Wax Times

CUTHBERT GEORGIA-

The staff at Elf Wax Times takes the job of bringing you accurate new insight into present-day issues like terrorism and the ever nearing apocalypse, but today we're taking a little time out of the normal grind to show you, our readers, about how we bring you so much truth with so little work.

The Elf Wax Times is updated daily from our secret headquarters in a location too dangerous to disclose. In our early days, we updated our site by abusing public libraries and were soon barred from using public computers by insidious government officials trying to destroy the freedom of press. The EWT trips key phrases in the NSA supercomputers at a more efficient rate each and every day, as our team of computer scientists devise new ways to trick users into finding us through Google. Windows 3.1 is the EWT's operating system of choice because our office computers are scavenged entirely from dumpsters. A small portion of our editorial staff still prefer the even more useless MAC OS 1. The banal and function-oriented computer systems we employ eliminate any activity that may deter from our tireless efforts to reveal all conspiracies as truth.

When our reporters are given an assignment, we like to take a liberal stance on due dates and content. Our writers do not try to complete their postings within a given amount of time, because time is really just an illusion which is obviously a very bad foundation for truth to be built upon. In addition, certain topics which may appear unrelated are in actuality a paradoxical snythaesia of ideologies. In laymen's terms, this means that Elf Wax Times does not use normal conventional methods of reporting. We tackle abstract issues abstractly rather than rationally, and rational issues by exposing irrationality. In essence, we fabricate a truth which gives a greater understanding than conventional truth. We are confident that our readers will remain assured that our writer's compensated version of reality provides the average reader with a greater grasp of the truth than other more conventional news sources.

President Obama vows to regulate the breeding of ugly people

In a landmark decision, President Obama has proclaimed that there are too many ugly people getting married and breeding, and that it has already reached epidemic proportions.

“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.

If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.

The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).

Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.

In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.

FEAR 960 AM BROADCASTS UFO SIGHTING VIA DIRECT NASA FEED THROUGH LOCAL AFFILIATE "THE HATE HOLE"

Just what it says. Get with the program.

New things are happening. Don't use your real information. Don't worry about me. What's there will eventually be pushed into obscurity. I will delete this article once it finds a happy position on the front page.

And once hosting is launched, I will go on a crusade, bringing all of these domains together under wicked underground hosting like you don't even understand. Say goodbye to the confines of censorship and ambiguous intellectual property rights. I'll get the software like we talked about, and streamline it all. It'll take hours upon hours consuming days that will turn into weeks of toil and effort. But it'll be worth it. A modem is on its way. Our video keeps being deleted by copyright laws. That will stop, too, based on my new and improved fair use policy, in which everything goes that's arguably legal and fair - we don't have to suffer just because you do.

In the meantime, I present to you:

• The Hate Hole

Intervention Letter

Some friends and I recently watched a neighbor have a complete psychological meltdown. Everything a normal person does, simply quit happening in this person. Rational thought, personal hygiene, common decency, all went out the window. You couldn't talk to the guy, because his brain had ceased to function normally, and he was in complete denial about his situation. So, we decided to write him a letter outlining everything he had done..........a sort of intervention by letter. I thought I would share this letter with our readers, so they can see what happened to this guy. I don't want to say his name, so I will simply call him C. Hart. No........I don't like that. I'll call him Calvin H., so you won't know who he is.

I hope hearing about how this guy hit bottom is as much fun for you, as watching it was for me:



Calvin,

After seeing firsthand how you've failed miserably at accomplishing the most basic activities of daily living, we felt like we had to be pals and point out to you what you can't see for yourself……that your life is a train wreck that just won't grind to a halt. We all want to help you, and think that we need to point out to you the things that your obviously unable to see yourself that you've done up until now, so here goes. And keep in mind that this is just a few of things that you've done which demonstrate a pattern of mental illness. To name them all would require more time and paper than we have.

1. The alcohol and drugs. You put your use of alcohol and drugs before EVERYTHING else…..including your personal hygiene. When someone has trouble thinking clearly, as you obviously do, using substances which impair your thought processes is the last thing that needs to be done. And yet, you've made using these substances your primary goal in life. You'll sit around drinking beer, smoking pot, and doing cocaine, while you have no job, no power, no water, and a house that's in continuous danger of foreclosure. The foreclosure attorneys are probably on a first name basis with you. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

2. The complete lack of maintenance of everything you have….including your body. Your stark refusal to maintain any of your property is puzzling to say the least. You seem completely satisfied to live in your own squalor, while everything you have deteriorates due to lack of even the most basic maintenance. You let your central heat and air unit filters become so clogged with filth that your unit quit, and then you simply took the filters out and let the unit run, which fills the ductwork with dust and filth. The bathroom floor under your toilet is rotten because your toilet has leaked for four years. You won't even fix that. Your car, your furniture, your clothes, your house, everything you have is filthy, broken, and completely useless. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

3. Your refusal to work and be a productive member of society. If you go to the nearest fast food store, you see people working. If you look around downtown, you see people working. If you look across your neighborhood, you see people working. If someone looks at you, they don't see a person working. You pretend to have a computer business; but in reality you're not qualified to do anything but go to someone's house and remove a broken computer to throw in the trash. Your content being poor, and a welfare case, begging for money from everyone there is to beg, when you're healthy and able to work. You even go so far as to steal bill money from your friends. Stealing money that your friends need to pay their bills; that's low. And using it to buy drugs is even lower. You'll do anything to avoid working and being a productive member of society. We all know that your now taking a gas can to gas stations and begging for money, telling people that your on your way to work and ran out of gas. Your begging for money based on a lie - which is what we working, law abiding citizens call a scam. How pathetic! You're officially a bum now. Just how low are you going to sink? You have no pride, or shame, do you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

4. Your inability to conduct yourself in a decent manner when in public. Not only are you unable to interact with people in a normal manner, you're not even able to be around other people without acting in a manner inconsistent with normality and common decency. This was evidenced by your being thrown off a plane for acting in a disturbing manner. All you had to do was get on the plane and sit down. That's it! Just sit down and ride. But you couldn't even do that, could you? You had to moo at the top of your lungs like a big mentally defective cow until the crew had no choice but to throw you off the plane. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

5. Your inability to have a normal relationship with your own family. Your own family has felt it necessary to remove you from their lives. You only embarrassed them with your refusal to work, begging for money, lack of hygiene, living in your own filth, and general abnormal behavior. You go without power and water for months at a time, and therefore are unable to bathe or use the bathroom indoors. You just walk around stinking, like a stray dog. You even have to use the bathroom outside, like a dog. The last thing I want to see when I look out my back door, is you squatting down, taking a dump in the back yard. Do you think anyone wants to say that they are related to you, or are friends with you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

6. Your continued viewing of disturbing pornography. We all know you enjoy watching your videos of horses having sex with young ladies. We've all caught you watching that sickness. Why you enjoy watching young ladies being tortuously screwed by farm animals is something we are unable to comprehend. That's disgusting, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

7. We all know what you did to the Thunderbird. Tony let you borrow his brand new Thunderbird, which is a prized possession of his. That was VERY generous of him. How did you repay his generosity? You wrecked his Thunderbird, left it sitting in your yard with the top down while it rained all day, and then returned it to him without telling him that you wrecked it and that the wheel was damaged and could potentially break while he's driving it. You repaid his generosity by endangering his life. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

8. We all know what you did to the bicycle. You couldn't even be trusted with a bicycle for a couple of days. You destroyed someone else's bicycle that was left at your house overnight. We don't know why you destroyed it. You just did. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

9. We all know what you did to the dog. You took a dog home with you, tied it up in the 110 degree sun without water, and killed it in a matter of hours. It deserved to live, but you sentenced it to death by bringing it to live with you. This too is disturbing, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

10. We all know what you did to the rabbit. You found that little baby rabbit, put it in a bucket, and painted it with orange engine paint. Your justification for doing that was so that you could see it when it grew up and would know which one it was, since it would be orange. We don't know which was less intelligent; the fact that you didn't know that animals SHED their fur, or that you didn't know painting that newborn baby rabbit would kill it. All we could do was look at that poor little baby rabbit, with its paint filled eyes and paint bubbling out of its nose, and think to ourselves "Calvin is one stupid son of a bitch". This is not a sign of mental soundness.

11. We all know what you did to the boat. Even a child knows better than to raise the engine cover on a boat, take the cover off of the carburetor, and let it sit that way for two years with rainwater, snow, and leaves going straight into the engine. Yet, this is what you did. And you let the boat sit uncovered until it rotted away into worthlessness. Then, when the boat was junk that needed to be hauled to the dump, you refused to take 1500 dollars for it, even though you were in jail, and your house was going into foreclosure. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

12. Your continued refusal to obey the law. You drive while under the influence of alcohol and illegal drugs, and have your license taken away. This has happened on multiple occasions. But instead of learning from this, you just continue driving around with no license, no insurance, no tag, no registration, and no idea why you keep going to jail for driving on a suspended license. You've gone to jail three times in the last few months for driving on a suspended license. Even a dumb farm animal eventually learns to stop touching the electric fence. But not you. You just keep getting yourself put in jail for the same offense. You don't comprehend the consequences of your continued illegal activities. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

13. You went to jail, and brought jail home with you. When most people go to jail, they use it as a learning experience. But not you. You had to bring a bunch of criminal's home with you to help you peddle drugs. You saw these inmates, and thought these guys belonged in your house, and in our neighborhood. The result was the theft of property in your house, as well as the theft of property around the rest of the neighborhood. The drug traffic you brought into our neighborhood is something the neighbors are still mad about. You single-handedly turned a good neighborhood into a bad one. This is not a sign of mental soundness.


We could keep going, but there's no reason to. We all felt that if we pointed out to you what a train wreck your life has become, you might be able to see for yourself what we have seen for years, and do something about it. We are only trying to help you. Unfortunately, you don't seem to want advice or help from anyone, unless they are handing you money. So you may just toss this in the trash, instead of trying to see what we see and doing something about it.

If you don't listen to those around you, and continue going down the disgusting, pathetic, ignorant path your on, you are going to end up homeless. Go get some psychiatric help. You may need to be institutionalized, so you can have a guardian to look after you on a daily basis. Your clearly unable, or unwilling, to do it yourself. It's time to start living the life of a normal, law abiding, productive member of society.




Update:

The last I heard, Calvin's house had been condemned, because it was deemed to be unfit for human habitation. But he snuck back into it, and was burning trash downstairs to stay warm, when the house caught on fire and pretty much burned down. Since he hadn't paid the insurance, it wasn't repaired. Calvin is now homeless, and mooching off of other people full time. He is now, officially, a bum.

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.--Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.

The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as "Christianity" in which its members unwaveringly believe "a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness."

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such "ridiculous" superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, "Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!" Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is - not coincidentally - 27.

Assholes……..

Everybody has one. Everybody knows one. Everybody eventually has to deal with one.

I can’t stand an asshole. I hate having to deal with one. And yet, I continuously find myself having to interact with these scorned creatures.

Now, I wonder if these creatures are born, or created? I mean, I’ve never seen a baby that wants to bully and hurt other people. Don’t get me wrong……..I don’t want to give any of you the impression that I’m pro baby, because I actually hate the things. I’m just saying that babies and small children don’t go out of their way to piss people off. President Bush was a baby once, and he wasn’t laying in the crib, drinking from his bottle, and dreaming of ways to fuck up our country. Well.........maybe HE was, but most babies aren’t.

I definitely think that most assholes are created, and are merely products of their environment. Every asshole kid that I have encountered, has had assholes for parents. That’s who teaches them to be assholes……..or allows them to develop into assholes without putting a foot in their ass to prevent the transformation.

And I have known some assholes that tried to be nice, but just didn’t know how. They were assholes, and couldn’t help it. Try as they might, they just couldn’t help but act like assholes. These poor social rejects were obviously born assholes, and simply don’t have a choice in the matter. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) defines this particular brand of asshole as an individual with a Dissocial Personality Disorder.

It amazes me that psychiatrists can put a label on anybody. Assholes simply have Dissocial Personality Disorder, asshole kids have Hyperactive Attention Deficit Disorder, gays have Sexual Identity Disorder, and guys who can’t get laid have Sexual Aversion Disorder.

If any of us went to a psychiatrist, I have no doubt that we would leave with some sort of a diagnosis. You may be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or even Trichotillomania.

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I have a problem with people who have been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness, because I don’t. I myself have even suffered from DSM-IV diagnosis 291.0 (Alcohol Intoxication Delirium), and I’m currently looking for a woman who suffers from DSM-IV diagnosis 306.51 (Vaginismus).

If you find yourself with some free time on your hands, you should go to a support group meeting for people who suffer from a psychiatric disorder. You could learn a little bit about their particular condition. If anyone reading this decides to go to one of the support group meetings, I would recommend going to a meeting of people who suffer from the DSM-IV diagnosis 302.4 (Exhibitionism).

Everquest Online Adventure

Six years after its 2003 debut, Everquest Online Adventure is experiencing an historical resurgence in popularity. Old gamers spent endless zombie-like hours auto-running across crudely textured fields and sparsely treed forests. Everquest Online Adventures barely taxed the graphics capabilities of the Playstation 2, emphasizing repetitive unsatisfying gameplay. Spam circle when you see the monsters. Most of these players have gone on to play World of Warcraft and Everquest II which offers the same gameplay with more detailed environments. Everquest Online Adventures is finally free to play, and offers the exact same gameplay. A larger and larger number of players are switching back, finding the world is still there and in fact better than ever. By removing griefs like training (a complicated procedure where huge groups of monsters could be herded) and adding a few new areas, Everquest Online Adventures is the best choice for the millions of newly unemployed MMORPG player. In the midst of the financial melt-down, the trance-like escape that Everquest provides prevents many suicides every day. SoW please. There are stables everywhere, but never a horse in sight, dammit.

Until Everquest Online went free, the next best thing was a game called MUME, created in 1992. Mume provides all the functions of Everquest, and probably has a more detailed world. MUME has no graphics whatsoever, and emphasizes pointless repetitive monster slaying more than any other game in history.

Everquest Online Adventures boast a dynamic repertoire of character models. However, they mostly go unappreciated as the PlayStation2 does not render them fast enough and at times won't render them at all. This happens most when running through a dense, crowded area like Freeport, a desert city where all races can congregate together without violence. The game system attempts to load thirty five avatars at once and as a result, loads none of them, creating the effect of running through a ghost town when in actuality, the Freeport market has a higher population density than the Twin Towers on a Tuesday morning.


Standing still doesn't help either, for the characters only load within a circumference the equivalent of twenty real life feet, so even after everybody warps in, one barely has a general idea of who is around him/her within a sneeze's reach. Similarly, you don't know what is lurking in your colon.

Lose the addiction, lose the weight. EverCleanse yourself of EverQuest! Warning: Preceding link is Not Safe For Viewing whatsoever.

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.--Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.

Kirk Van Houten: It's dignity, Luann.

Van Houten's visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party's attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. "This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats," said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten's piece after the Simpsons' party, saying, "It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever," as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, "The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever." He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, "Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?"

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten's shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20's are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, "the 9/11 conspiracy, man."

General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead

General Tso's chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso's chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso's Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of "American Citizens" who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that "the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead," but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. "You can't be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food" -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador

Area Man Fatally Bludgeoned With Baseball Bat

CAHULAWASSEE, GA -- A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the victim described him as "rude as Hell" and having habitually foul breath. 

UPDATE: Authorities are believed to have the murder suspect in custody after a short search of the Cahulawassee River area. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie, 31, is being held without bond in the Calhoun County jail on charges of aggrevated assault and murder. 

A recent photo shows Abercrombie with the alleged murder weapon.

Abercrombie, according to court records, is a local blue-collar worker who also goes by the nickname, "Mud", not to be confused with "Bill," "Jack," "Pete," or "Dennis." From interrogation, police have uncovered information leading them to believe that the suspect and victim were, in fact, friends who earlier had gotten into a heated dispute over Abercrombie's patent shoes. At the time of arrest, police also found the alleged murder weapon, a Wal-Mart® brand aluminum baseball bat. Accordingly to Georgia state law, Abercrombie is presumed guilty until proven actually guilty. He is expected to be in Calhoun County court on April 20th, 1993.