May 24, 2009

FBI DIRECTOR WINS WAR ON DRUGS

Washington, D.C.-- In a harrowing defense of marijuana's criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all other drugs including meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN).

So when faced with the challenging question, "Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?" Mueller said he could not. Therefore, he employed the "gateway drug" argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen's embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:
video

Elf Wax analysts are hailing the FBI director's clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana as "A classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere."

Brian "Honeybee" Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse expert, said, "What's more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with 'pot' or 'grass', or what is known scientifically as 'The Devil's Weed' by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That's hard-hitting evidence."

Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.

The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen's recent shameful thoughts found in CNN's broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State's ability to make every American's personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.

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